Your Libido is a Vital Sign

Here's why you should want to want it.

Ready to get a little vulnerable? Do any of the following sound true for you?

• You WANT to want it, but have lost your spark.

• You have sex because it makes your partner happy, but you’re secretly watching the clock for it to be over.

• You have desire, but when you actually find time for sex, the desire has passed.

• You see your partner as more of a roommate than someone who brings you pleasure.

• Your partner needs sex to feel more connected and helpful, but you need them to help you out more to feel connected. Now you’re both not getting what you need.

If any of these sound like your situation, you're not alone. And more importantly, you're not broken.

Libidio can be challenging, guilt-producing, and a sensitive topic for many. As women enter their mid-thirties and beyond, especially those juggling motherhood, careers, and the mental load of keeping everyone alive and fed, libido often takes a backseat.

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Setting The Stage

Let’s first set the stage by stating that I’m not an “expert” here. I’m not a doctor or a clinical sexologist (yes, that’s a thing). I have, however, worked with hundreds of women throughout my career as a dietitian. And as an integrative health practitioner who wants to understand all aspects of your health, including your relationship, hormones, and pleasure, I hear about low libido—a LOT.

And here’s the thing.

Oftentimes, women know their libido is low, but it falls WAY down their list of priorities.

Weight loss, energy, fertility, and specific health conditions all take the top spots. This makes sense, especially if other concerns feel more urgent or pressing.

But here's the thing: your sexual desire isn't just about pleasure (though that's important too). It's actually a vital sign of your overall health and well-being.

Want to experience more pleasure? Keep reading.

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The Real Reasons Behind Low Desire

This list could go on for pages, but let’s start with the most common reasons I hear.

Overwhelm or Burnout

Your brain is central to your sexuality, and frankly, it's exhausted. Between remembering soccer practice schedules, work deadlines, and whether you have milk for tomorrow’s breakfast, there's barely any mental bandwidth left for desire. This isn't a character flaw – it's biology.

Chronic stress elevates cortisol levels, which directly suppresses testosterone production. Yes, women need testosterone too, and it's crucial for sexual desire. When you're constantly in survival mode, your body prioritizes staying alive over reproducing.

This can also happen when couples are trying to conceive. Sex can become a means to an end (a baby) vs an act of love and intimacy. It can also become attached to deep wounds of loss or struggle.

The good news? While you can’t just eliminate stress and your workload with a snap of a finger (although, someone please work on this!), there are resources to help. My favorite resource for the division of labor is Fair Play. I also talk about delegating your mental load and everyday tasks in my program, Postpartum Reset.

Hormonal Chaos

Perimenopause can start as early as your mid-late thirties, bringing with it declining estrogen levels. This affects everything from vaginal lubrication to blood flow. Lower estrogen also means thinner vaginal tissues, which can make sex uncomfortable or even painful.

The good news? Vaginal estrogen cream and support from a knowledgeable practitioner can work wonders for these concerns!

If you've had children, pelvic floor dysfunction might be playing a role, too. Pregnancy, childbirth, and even chronic constipation can weaken these muscles, leading to pain during penetration or difficulty reaching orgasm.

The good news? Pelvic floor physical therapy can work wonders – it's like personal training for your lady parts.

The Pleasure Gap

Here's a sobering statistic:

Heterosexual women have orgasms during partnered sex only about 65% of the time, compared to 95% for men.

The study authors state,

“Women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex.

Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.”

Poor blood flow to the clitoris and surrounding tissues can make arousal difficult, and many parents don’t understand that adequate stimulation often requires 20+ minutes of relaxation and/or focused attention.

The good news? Orgasm is possible for women, with at least 92% of women stating that they can orgasm when pleasuring themselves. Try some of the techniques above, especially ensuring sufficient “warm-up time” (20 minutes), better communication in the bedroom, and focus on clitorial stimulation (vs only penetration). Most women (upwards of 96%) find clitorial stimulation to be effective for orgasms, vs 4% with penetration only.

Physical Discomfort

Pain during sex is another major libido killer. Whether it's from vaginal dryness, endometriosis, past trauma, or pelvic floor dysfunction, your brain will naturally start avoiding activities that hurt. This creates a negative feedback loop where anticipating pain reduces desire, which reduces arousal, which makes pain more likely.

The good news? Providers like pelvic floor therapists, marriage and family therapists, OBGYNs, and clinical psychologists with specialization in sexual health or certified sex therapists can help you get to the root of your discomfort.

Lack of Confidence

Body image concerns can dampen desire. These concerns can intensify after pregnancy and with age. Your body has changed – maybe you have stretch marks, your breasts look different, or you're carrying weight in new places. If you're worried about how you look naked, it's hard to lose yourself in pleasure.

For others, past rejection or criticism from partners can create lasting insecurities. Maybe an ex made a thoughtless comment about your body, or your current partner makes insensitive comments about how long you last in the bedroom. Maybe the lack of noises or your habits (looking at the clock or being visually distracted) are hurtful. These experiences can make you retreat into yourself, creating barriers to intimacy.

The good news? Communication can go a long way here. While it’s hard to address these painful comments or behaviors, your partner may have no idea how much they’re bothering you. If you’ve tried communicating these concerns before without success, this is where therapy can shine.

From a body image perspective, while it may seem strange, I’ve seen strength training help countless women. It provides a boost of testosterone and helps your body recomp to a place that feels more recognizable.

You Give More Than You Receive

Motherhood is simultaneously the most fulfilling and depleting experience known to humanity. The constant touching, needing, and demanding from little humans can leave you feeling "touched out" by the end of the day. The last thing you want is another person's hands on you.

There is also a scarcity mindset surrounding time. When you finally have a moment to yourself, sex might feel like another item on your to-do list rather than a pleasurable escape. You might think, "I could use this time to sleep, scroll, read, catch up on my favorite show, or just exist in silence."

Many mothers report feeling invisible or unappreciated, like they're valued more for what they do than who they are. There’s also all of the invisible labor (inequitable division of labor) that women feel. When you feel overburdened, stressed, and tired in your home, it's hard to feel sexual inside it.

In fact, a study in the Journal of Sex entitled “Fairer Sex”, found that:
Partner-directed desire (wanting sex with their specific partner) was significantly lower when women perceived their relationship as inequitable

Generalized/solo desire (overall sexual interest, including masturbation and general sexual thoughts) remained unaffected by relationship inequity

The good news? The research validates what many women experience: they may still have sexual thoughts, fantasies, or even masturbate, but they lose interest in being sexual with a partner who they perceive as not pulling their weight in the relationship. It's not about being "frigid" - it's about wanting a more equitable partner. And once your partner is more aware and experiences the connection between how much they help and how much they may get, you may see some changes ;)

Judgment or Shame

External pressure from your partner often backfires. Comments like "we never have sex anymore" or scheduling sex like a dentist appointment can make desire feel like an obligation rather than a choice. Women's desire is often more responsive than spontaneous – it builds through feeling connected, appreciated, and safe.

Communication breakdowns around sex are also incredibly common. Many couples never learned how to talk about their sexual needs, preferences, or concerns. If your partner doesn't know what you like or need, and you don't know how to express it, everyone ends up frustrated.

The good news? This free resource (Sex Life Bucket List) from Susan Bratton offers ideas for what may be more fun to explore in the bedroom - you get to vote them as a Yes/No/Maybe, and keep the spice alive.

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Why Your Libido Matters: It's Not Just About Sex

Regular sexual activity (solo or partnered) offers numerous health benefits.

• It reduces stress hormones

• Boosts immune function

• Improves sleep quality

• Releases feel-good chemicals like oxytocin and endorphins

• Offers more exciting cardiovascular exercise :)

• Helps regulate hormones

For relationships, sexual intimacy creates and maintains emotional bonds. It's a unique form of communication and connection that can't be replaced by other forms of intimacy. When sexual connection is strong, couples report higher relationship satisfaction and better conflict resolution.

And more isn’t necessarily better - quality trumps quantity every time. Research suggests that couples who have sex at least 1-2 times per week report the highest levels of relationship satisfaction.

To recap, think of libido as a canary in the coal mine for your overall health and relationship. Sexual desire involves a complex interplay of hormones, blood flow, nerve function, the health of your relationship, and psychological well-being. When it's consistently low, it might signal underlying issues worth addressing.

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Want More?

Was this interesting? If you desire more (get it?), you’ll want to stay tuned for Part 2, where I’ll share more practical ways to support your desire that take into consideration your limited time and having to hide from/find time away from your kids. These are tools and tricks that have worked for my relationship and for the couples I work with.