Dear Steph: When Everything Falls Apart
Sustaining habits during hard seasons.
Dear Steph,
I need some encouragement. I am navigating a difficult season, and now my dog’s health is declining. Over the last few months, I’ve been working on taking better care of myself, but now I’m feeling very anxious and overwhelmed. How do I take care of myself in a season where everything feels like it’s falling apart?
From, Exhausted Mama
Dear Exhausted Mama,
I’m so sorry to hear about your dog! It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling this way, and I’m glad you reached out. When your emotional capacity is full, one extra thing (large or small) can trigger feelings of defeat, despair, or deep frustration. As a dog mama myself, I can empathize with you and see how this new obstacle can cause friction with actualizing your new habits.
I’ve also recently been in your shoes. Life threw an unexpected curveball my way and I had to decide who I wanted to be in that moment.
I had to ask myself:
Do I want to be someone who gives myself time to grieve, and then gets back after it? Or am I someone who gives up?
Get after it or give up?
I hope by now you know I don’t think in absolutes. When I say “get after it”, that doesn’t mean push yourself beyond your limits or work outside of what’s realistic.
Getting after it means you give yourself time to work through big emotions, and then you jump right back into at least a few of the things you know make you feel better.
This could be:
You keep drinking the amount of water you know makes you feel good (100+ fl oz for most people).
You eat enough protein at breakfast (20-40 grams).
You move your body in a way that feels good every day (a walk counts!).
You keep sugar to a reasonable amount.
What tends to happen is that life kicks us in the butt, and then we spend far too much time contemplating “what now?” We pause our habits longer than we need to because we haven’t put our foot down and recommitted to our values.
Your plan may need to be adjusted, and you can ALWAYS start small.
Don’t let perfect be the enemy of good, especially now.
Why does it matter?
When you’re already feeling defeated by uncontrollable circumstances, the last thing you need is to feel defeated with your health goals. You’re likely proud of what you’ve accomplished (rightfully so!), and the feeling of moving backward or stalling your consistent behavior will make you feel worse.
When life throws obstacles your way, it can make you feel like a victim; however, you choose how you perceive it. Does it suck? Yes. Does it define who you are and what you can accomplish? No.
Confidence comes from sticking to your health behaviors. It will carry you through this season, for yourself and for your family.
What can you keep up with?
Here’s the kicker. You need a plan that is realistic to keep your confidence strong.
Attempting to do TOO much will backfire. Take a good look at your schedule, identify the “big rocks” (the health habits that make the most difference for you), and implement those first.
Allow yourself grace on harder days, but commit fully and with integrity.
There’s no prize at the end for doing more.
What excuses are you making?
During tough seasons, your brain will become an expert at making excuses.
“I’m tired.”
“One day doesn’t matter.”
“I’ll start again tomorrow, today is already shot.”
“This is too hard.”
“I’m not even seeing progress, so why try?”
When these thoughts pop up, ask yourself if they’re true. Yes, you might be tired, but is that enough to stop you? As moms, we’re tired a lot, but if every time we felt tired we decided not to work out or eat well, it would never happen. Now if you’re physically exhausted and truly cannot work up the energy to even go for a walk, that’s another story. However, if you’re working out thoughtfully and not pushing yourself too hard with high-intensity classes, you’ll feel MORE energy after you exercise.
Other thoughts like “this is hard” or “it doesn’t matter” are toddler voices that you have the power to overcome, if you choose to. Getting yourself moving when you’re feeling down is hard. Do you know what else is hard? Not doing anything and feeling bad about that.
Choose your hard.
This is all said under the context that there aren’t mental health issues at play. Depression and anxiety are entirely different topics that require more careful consideration and support.
The Mountain Is You.
If you’re having a hard time getting back in the game, consider reading this book.
Here are a few quotes from the author to consider as you reset.
“Don’t worry about doing it well; just do it.”
“It’s not whether you “feel” like putting in the work, but whether or not you do it regardless.”
“Emotions are temporary, but behaviors are permanent. You are always responsible for how you choose to act.”
“If you want to master your life, you have to learn to organize your feelings. By becoming aware of them, you can trace them back to the thought process that prompted them, and from there you can decide whether or not the idea is an actual threat or concern, or a fabrication of your reptilian mind just trying to keep you alive.”
“When we hold onto fear and pain after something traumatic has passed, we do it as a sort of safety net. We falsely believe that if we constantly remind ourselves of all the terrible things that we didn’t see coming, we can avoid them. Not only does this not work, but it also makes you less efficient at responding to them if they do. Because most of the time, you’re so busy worrying about monsters in the closet, you forget to address the actual things that will erode you over time: your health, your relationships, your long-term vision, your finances, your thoughts.”
I want to be gentle with you AND I know a tough love approach is important during these times. I’ve spent too much time feeling sorry for myself after life throws curveballs my way, and I don’t want that for you.
While it seems unfair or unreasonable at times, you have the responsibility to pull yourself up and decide that your health matters.
Hire help. See a therapist. Process your emotions. Get back into your health habits as soon as you can.
I promise you will feel one million times more capable, resilient, and strong when you do so.
I hope this helps! I’m sending all my love during this difficult season. I KNOW you’ve got what it takes to stay strong!